Christmas List

Nike Air Max 90 Current Huarache - DQM Bacon Sz 11





The Black Swan: Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Nicholas Taleb





Boss TR-2 Tremelo





Shiatsu Massage Pillow by Sharper Image





IX Gift Set by Rocawear




Gerber Fast Draw

I wrote a song.

There's an eye in the sky watching over us all.
Pulling loved ones from the earth,
Never telling why.
I guess God needed a 9 to 5 dad with a family to feed.
And I'll never shake that man's hand.
May God's love be with you.

10/22/1895

I haven't updated this in a while. I haven't cared too.

Sometimes I feel like my train just sort of goes of the tracks. For no visible reason. Maybe someone's out there toying with my railroad switches. Strength unimaginable is what I find most days when I wake, but occasionally its replaced with utmost paranoia. Delusions. Bitterness. Disposition towards anyone weilding happiness. Generally speaking, I lay this square peg of negativity down and do my best to stomp it through the round hole with my 10.5 Air Max 90's, as to turn it towards something progressive, but sometimes it seems overbearing.

These thoughts are almost like some algebraic expression in my head. I grab something, anything, to sit down with and try to work the problem out. In the end I always realize how simple and negligible the solution is, but I never learn from the process. The reset button in my head is tripped. Back to square one. Reassembling the puzzle never gets easier, no matter the accumulated practice. Doomed to repeat.






Currently digesting:
Mastodon - Remission, Converge - No Heroes, Cassino - Sounds of Salvation, Trap Them - Seizures in Barren Praise, Loudwave - Secrets are Sinister, William S Burroughs - Dead City Blues

Therapy

Sometimes, really late at night, I drive. Sure, there are a couple routes I frequent, but never to anywhere in particular. Start the car and go. I'm not really sure why I do it. I did more frequently in previous months, but the urges still come and go. On some occasions I feel like an adventurer. Exploring the unknown roads to a soundtrack of my choosing. Other times, it feels like I'm running. Away from what, I remain unsure. Either way, I like to think. Solve problems. The car is my couch and the road is my therapist. Haven't lost my mind yet.

Normalcy

Lately I have come to the conclusion that a normal life terrifies me. There is nothing appealing to me about a college degree. There is nothing appealing in a 40 hour work week. There is nothing appealing about a wife and kids. Where's the excitement? The spontaneity? I wish I could fit everything in my life into one single bag and start walking just to see where I end up. Imagine it: a different city every night. No stress, no attachment, no obligations. Sharks keep moving, never sleeping, always swimming.

I want more. I want more than I have seen, I want more than what most see. I never want to stop learning/observing/absorbing. I want freedom from all the things that hold me back and tie me down. I want to live. I want to live a real and full life. Preferably short. But death is the least of my concerns.

down not out

Somedays I feel like a modern day reincarnation of Atlas.
Other days I feel like I have nothing to worry about.
The second is probably more accurate, but I can't convince myself of it.

What I've been up to/in to lately:
Fingers Crossed - started playing/writing with this band recently. check out the new tune.
New Song


Stand Your Ground - Helped these dudes write a song. They also just posted two new ones on their 'space. Check it if you're into Misery Signals/This is Hell/Shai Hulud.


Scott Adams - God's Debris. Picked this up a minute ago. So far, so good. Interesting, thought producing, mind boggling read.


Whats keeping me going: Why? - Alopecia, Nachtmystium - Assassins Black Meddle Pt. 1, Madball - Hold it Down, Clutch - self-titled